My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
