Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
