One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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