it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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