Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
