My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
