Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
