Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
