She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
