I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
