after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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