Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he thought i was a dude.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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