The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
