i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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