he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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