I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
