If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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