It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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