that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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