Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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