did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
