god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
