I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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