its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
