I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
