Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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