Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
