Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
