I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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