don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
