I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
