Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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