i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
