It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
