8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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