I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize