it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
