it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
