life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
