there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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