I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
