I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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