You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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