gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
