You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize