there's paper in my vomit.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
