I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
