i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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