How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
