I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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