We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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