Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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