I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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