im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
