I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize