I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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